#having better boundaries is one of the few things i really have stagnated on and won't take initiative to heal so if i want them

[slylock-syl]

Hey Syllll! Long time, no chat! I just wanted to get this off my chest before i go ham trying to figure out what i wanna commission from you soon.

I have been reading Undersource for years now, and i think we've both come a long way since then! God, that feels weird to say, i'm not even old enough to drink yet lmao. But! I am old enough to spend my money responsibly now, which is nuts given that my responsible spending is now aimed at getting art of my blorbos LOL.

You've grown as an artist so much since i first started reading- i think that was around... the pirate arc? Not sure! But i do remember the early days of me having discord, during the EKD server category era. But anyways, i know the way you drew our favorite skeletons was different back then, and it's all gotten so much smoother in that time. You're also (at least seemingly) taking way better care of yourself! You've set boundaries, you've set more time for yourself and not the blog, and you're still happily chugging along, after all these years. Not to mention you're working on this side story now, which i'm fairly certain you've been looking forward to for a while.

How's that sleeping though? Do you still have the sleep cycle of an austalian? Can't say i'm any better, im slowly becoming nocturnal again lol. Some things NEVER change.

Anyways. All this to say: im really proud to have been part of this little community for so long. To see the comic and its artist come so far. Even if im not a diehard fan anymore, im glad i can still take a little time every weekend to realize "OH, U/S shoulda updated!" and run over here. Thanks for giving me a good starting point of community on this god damned hellsite.

(Here's to sleepy 5 am "you're great" asks LMAO)

sjksdhLKSDJFHG THIS IS SUCH A SWEET MESSAGE OMG-

Hi Azzy! :D I'm glad you still like my work even after all this time! Thank you for sticking around! :D

I have been taking better care of myself these days! I'm (only sometimes begrudgingly XD) going on daily walks (Pikmin Bloom is really helping with that, I love Pikmin they're so cute), and made some new friends! When I first started this blog I was convinced I had to constantly/frequently produce content, and I time went on I slowly realized that wasn't really viable, so I slowly trimmed down the workloads for better manageability, I'd say it's helped a lot! Even if it may not look like it sometimes XD

There was a point before I adjusted my work schedule where I figured out that I may have been riding a creative burnout for a long while, as when I looked back it felt like my work had begun to visually stagnate. I think at the time I was cramming working on the comic update across only 3 or 4 days (Wednesday/Thursday to Saturday mornings, sometimes down to the wire), with several hours of just constant work (plus any distractions and 3 daily asks) because I was procrastinating so badly X'D I'm still recovering from the visual stagnation, but I'm definitely trying to experiment where I can! I may not be the best at it but I hope I'm improving at least ksjdghLSDGH My current schedule is MUCH more spaced out and much more manageable, spanning Sunday to Friday and broken down into stages for each day, and Saturdays are my designated day off~

As for the side story, it's one I've had around for quite a while and have been excited to finally show off! There were a few people who were interested in it when it was first teased, though I've no idea if they're still around, if they are I hope they're enjoying the story so far as well! 💜

Oddly enough my sleep schedule is no longer on Cthulhu Standard Time SKSDJGHDLG We had a TON of construction going on in the house the past few months and it was way too awkward to sleep with a bunch of strangers either being in or near my room, as well as making a LOT of noise sjkdhgLKSDJG There was a brief section of time where I'd actually go to bed at a "normal" time and get up at like, 9 or 10 am X'D Though it's slowly sneaking it's way into afternoons to 3 or 4 AM after I feed the kitties, kinda like my old college schedule XD

Thank you again for liking my work and sticking around! I really appreciate it!! :D

I may not be anywhere near whatever my "peak" was a few years ago, but I'm still happy to keep going for those who still come around! 💜

[t33nunic0rnz]

post meet!

okay, so i just got home from my meet, it went okay, i got 6/9, really struggled with bench and got 2 red lights on my last deadlift attempt (soft lockout but it was not that heavy for me). just some initial thoughts, i am stoned so they might be all over the place: overall it was pretty fun, i definitely understand why people like competing. i had really strong squats bc i kept them super low since they have been a struggle lately, but everything felt super light and good there.

that gave me some confidence out the gate, which was nice.

then my bench opener was 57.5kg and it was ezpz, but i failed my next two, idk why exactly, just seemed like i didn't have it in me. my third attempt the bar bounced on my chest so it took ages to get the press command, and idk it just messed me up. i benched 140, failed 145 during my last heavy week, so maybe i already wasn't feeling confident, and my shoulder injury/hypermobility stuff is flaring up because i've been working so much and not standing. so that was definitely a factor, and it makes sense that i'd have a hard time. i had a harder time setting up in their rack and that played a factor. so lesson there is, stand more at work, keep up with pt exercises, and my bench will do better. and make sure i keep healthy boundaries with work and don't overwork myself.

i really want my bench to get better, but it's hard, it seems to be stagnating/getting worse. i was so close to really benching my bodyweight and now i feel like i'm further away, and im not sure why. probably stress from work and the above shoulder pain. i was feeling amazing about my bench in january, doing 145x2. I supposed it's not that big of a drop, it just sucks that it coincides with my first meet. but you win some, you lose some.

deadlifts honestly felt great, like i really wasn't worried about them at all, i am pretty confident in my deadlift these days. watching the videos back, while the lifts go up quickly and they're (mostly) well executed, i definitely was rushing my setup because of my nerves. to no one's surprise, i was kind gripping and ripping, which can bug my back, and isn't the best way to do the lift. so i think the best thing there is practice really. i just honestly didn't feel like i was rushing it all that much, but i really wasn't pulling slack enough. i think those bad habits will probably always creep up under times of anxiety (like right before a pr usually) if i keep practicing doing a thorough setup with heavier weights it will get easier to do. obvs.

honestly very proud of my deadlift, that is my best lift by far. and that weight felt so easy, it gets me super excited, like maybe i can actually lift more than that. so i will try and push myself when deadlifting a bit more and see what i can really do. though really, whatever i'm doing with my deadlift training seems to be working, so maybe i should just keep on keeping on.

so anyway, just some initial thoughts. i did have fun so i might do it again next year, but i didn't really see any other meets that i would want to do this year. garage gym competition is in a few weeks, but i don't feel energized to do that. i want to spend more time biking outside now that it's spring.

as far as future training goes, idk exactly, i still really love getting stronger, as long as my joints can keep up. would like to get leaner for the summer (in a healthy way). i have a couple programs kind of already ready to go, one is jeff nippard's powerbuilding 2 and the other is my usual stronger by science reps to failure bullshit. i know the sbs programming works for me, i have gotten way stronger since i started using it. but i was following powerbuilding this year when i was hitting those PRs, so who knows. what i think was going on there really is that i was stronger than i thought i was for a while, and i wasn't lifting heavy enough weight. i also think i made great gains from my last cycle in november, and i have been very consistent in my training since then. so really i don't think it came down to the programming. one thing that i love is overwarm singles, so i was adding that into his powerbuilding program for fun and (hopefully) gains and i want to keep doing that. i think that my peaking and rest time was just about right for this meet. i think if my shoulder had been in a better place i would have done better on bench.

either way i will probably just bike tomorrow, rest tuesday, and lift wednesday. by then i will likely have a feel for what i want to do programming-wise, and i'll get back to it. i think i will take a week or so off bench and shoulder stuff, and really focus on PT. i want to work on getting my squat deeper to protect my knee, which luckily doesn't feel bad post-meet.

i will probably write more later after i have had more time to think, for now i am going to puzzle and watch cozy vintage gaming youtube

[wrathfulmercy]

Drinks ask game: Mountain Dew, Mango Milkshake, White Tea, Schweppes, Flat White, Grapefruit Juice, Water, Hot Chocolate

Drinks ask game from here

Mountain Dew - Have your ever disliked something and then changed your mind?

Many many times. I think it’s normal to change opinions and it shows growth. Who wants to be lost in stagnation? Doesn’t matter if it comes to certain foods (I used to hate all vegetables and everything that is green now I love most of them), certain series (as GoT started I watched the first season just with half of my attention that’s why I of course didn’t get anything and thought it’s super boring), certain ships (I used to love Richonne and hated Negan and I also never shipped Beth with anyone. Well look at me now) or certain clothes / styles (I used to hate gold jewelry now it’s 90% of what I wear). I could continue this list with so many things but these are just a few examples 😁

Mango Milkshake - If you could live in another century, what would it be?

Well let’s be honest, no matter how much I love the middle age (all the knight stuff or women secretly sneaking into battle - Jeanne D’Arc was always my big Rolemodel) or the clothing in the 1920’s where women could play their mind games to control a man to their favor are surely something I find interesting, but due to my poor health and weak body I’m very sure I’d die as one of the first in any other time where medicine isn’t as developed as right now (same for zombie apocalypse I guess). If I would have a better immune system and better health in all I would slay these times but the facts speak against me. So I guess the only thing working for me would be back to the 90’s where we all still lived without the internet. Good times.

White Tea - What’s one thing that can instantly make your day better?

My friends ranting with me about stupid stuff and my cat coming to me purring ❤️

Schweppes - What do you wish you were really good at?

I wish I would be better in playing piano or making music. I can play, yes but due to my classic education I’m used to play after sheets and CANT play freely just after hearing something. In my music work time I met so many people being able to hear a song and immediately play it on piano and I was always like WTF I want that too 😭 and editing when it comes to videos and pictures cause then I would have continued my YouTube channel and also would be already on twitch but my perfectionism and absolute stupidity and laziness is against me 🤣

Flat White - Which of your personality traits has been the most useful?

My adaptability. Honestly my whole personality structure is very submissive. Too submissive. That leads to me always saying yes (not using the word no), not contradicting, not speaking up, not defending myself, not taking breaks, not asking for anything, not seeking out for help etc etc. BUT we all know that exactly this is working amazingly in jobs, school and all in all groups. My bosses loved me, my colleagues loved me, my teachers loved me, for group works everyone wanted to work with me, I always kept everyone together, always jumped in if someone got sick cause I couldn’t say no if they asked, always smiled, always stayed polite even if costumers insulted me. That’s of course something that benefits you at work and brought me many good jobs, grades and qualifications and the respect and admiration of everyone I worked for and with. But the bad side? You can imagine. Working until you break down (happened to me many times cause I never dared to stay away from work or work over hours even when I was severely sick with fever and didn’t eat for days). Constantly disrespecting your own boundaries leads to you losing a connection to yourself, so at the end I don’t even know anymore what I feel myself and only say and think what others expect me to. But I can adjust myself to many different situations and places and am able to work with any circumstance I’m falling into. Still wouldn’t recommend it to this extreme level.

Grapefruit Juice - When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time?

Make a coffee or get a coke, smoke a cigarette and watch a nice YouTube video.

Water - What is the silliest thing you have heard people say about you?

That I talk badly about my friends, that I’m arrogant and that I’m a wh*re

Hot Chocolate - What would be the absolute worst name you could give your child?

In Germany we have a few names that are considered being absolutely for idiots 🤣 for example: Kevin, Chantal, Cheyenne

So something from that. Or after a city where you MADE the baby? I mean wtf?

@negans-savior-complex

[mercury-retrograde-concept]

what are your thoughts on that lee soo man/blockberry creative partnership and loona's financial situation during the post-butterfly hiatus?

Oh, juicy question! Full disclosure time: from the moment I started this blog I intended to address this issue, because I’m intensely curious about it. This is one of those kpop situations where you have just enough information to kind of guess what might have happened. But there’s just enough ambiguity that you end up hoping the tarot cards come through for you. 

And after doing this reading I feel like I do have a better idea of what might have done down.  

Disclaimer: This tarot reading is for entertainment purposes only. All speculation comes from my interpretation only.

This question basically involves two question. Namely, what forces might have been at play during Loona’s long hiatus after Butterfly, as well as what’s up with the SM/Blockberry creative partnership. I separated these two questions in to two different segments, however it was the same pull (i.e. I didn’t put the cards back together and shuffle) because I feel as though the latter was influenced by the former. Also, since each questions involves three different entities I used some of Caroline Myss’s archetype cards in order to better anchor this reading. 

Okay, y’all ready? Let’s goooooo! love_4_eva.mp3. 

Post-Butterfly hiatus

Heart of the problem: Four of Pentacles (Reversed), The Hanged Man BBC role: Monk Nun Archetype Card What BBC wanted: Ten of Wands (Reversed), The Empress Jaden Jeong role: Trickster Archetype Card What Jaden Jeong wanted: King of Wands (Reversed), Four of Swords (Reversed) Loona role: Servant Archetype Card What Loona wanted: Three of Pentacles (Reversed), Seven of Pentacles (Reversed)

So, shortly after Butterfly, it appears as though BBC realized they were essentially hemorrhaging money. From what I’ve read over the years - and readers please feel free to correct me if I’m wrong - it appears as though BBC is better off than most k-entertainment companies, in terms of finances. However, that doesn’t mean that their resources are infinite either. While it often feels like Loona is someone’s passion project - and it definitely was Jaden Jeong’s (more on that in a second) - this is still a company. They still would like to make some money back on such an investment. More than that it also feels as though BBC also wanted attention and acclaim and other things that are hallmarks of soft power. Loona obviously has its die-hard fans, but I think it’s fair to say Hi High and Butterfly didn’t take off the way that matched the pre-debut hype. 

As a result, it appears as though BBC kind of panicked and worried about becoming something of a laughingstock. They went back to the drawing board with their plans for Loona, and became incredibly fearful of doing anything with this group.  They put the breaks on everything, to the point of giving everyone involved some metaphorical whiplash. While it’s a good thing to consider one’s budget and goals, management was so in their own heads about what to do that they stopped doing things they should do. Including following through with some deals they made with investors. They also kept these concerns close to their chest, rarely communicated well about them, and made a lot of promises they had no intention of keeping. Because, again, they didn’t want to do anything. Essentially, the company basically saw Loona as an albatross and didn’t know what to do with them, so they just buried their heads in the sand for a while. Surprisingly, the problem didn’t go away. 

This would have been annoying to any creative director, but the cards are indicating Jaden Jeong was especially agitated by this whole situation. He also probably further aggravated it in some ways. I cannot stress enough how little he cared about the financial situation of BBC. He was only concerned about the creative side of things and getting to execute his vision. He really wanted to do a group that’s on the more avant-garde side of things and he thought he finally had a chance to fully pull this off with Loona. Practical logistics were not that important to him. He wasn’t shy about confronting BBC about this, either. This probably made BBC double down on their stinginess, which in turn made Jaden Jeong act out even more. It was a vicious cycle that was bound to fall apart. Eventually, he decided to just bounce. 

As for Loona’s role in all of this ... they didn’t really have any agency to speak of. They were basically treated as pawns during this situation. BBC made it pretty clear they thought of them as a liability, while for Jaden Jeong they were pretty much avatars to fulfill his creative vision. The members were effected by this, too. It was a rude awakening after the excitement of the pre-debut era. They struggled with feeling like a cohesive unit at this point because they hadn’t gotten to do much as a group, and their future was up in the air. 

Lee Soo-man Involvement

What drew Lee Soo-man to Loona: Ten of Swords, Queen of Wands Lee Soo-man role: Teacher Archetype Card What Lee Soo-man wanted: Five of Pentacles, Temperance BBC role: Warrior Archetype Card What BBC wanted: Chariot (Reversed), Two of Swords Loona role: Exorcist Archetype Card What Loona wanted: Death, Seven of Cups (Reversed)

This was interesting and not entirely what I expected. 

Lee Soo-man’s interest in Loona appears to have been sparked by being stung by disappointment in the financial state of SM. I had a vague memory of reading that SM operated on a financial loss in 2019. I googled this and ... yep. Appears to have been the case (again, correct me if I’m wrong.) This was really, really bothering him at the end of 2019. Part of it was because the dude was a CEO and just wants the company he founded to still be making money. There’s a bit more to it, though. Beyond wanting his company to be known as the best of the best in terms of making money, he also seems to want it to be renowned for it’s creativity and boundary pushing. He appears to take it incredibly personally when an idea of his doesn’t instantly take off. 

This is where Loona comes in. It seems that he was rather flattered by the fact that they covered NCT over any other SM group (I know NCT is doing well, but the structure of the group has been something of an acquired taste, and SM seems invested in proving that this rotational structure is workable. It’s partially about money but also partially about being right.) It also didn’t escape his attention that Loona is a meme around the world.  I’ve seen some people speculate over the past few months that he was trying to sabotage Loona’s career. I really don’t see that indicated in the cards. He wouldn’t have lost sleep if the concept change costed Loona all their fans, but he generally wanted those comebacks to make a splash.

This is because investing in Loona is a win/win for his ego. If his contributions to Loona are successful, then he can take credit for ‘rescuing’ this group with a lot of potential. If their Lee Soo-man backed comebacks flop ... Well, it’s disappointing but it’s not like they’re an SM group. Any failure of theirs won’t really be seem by the public as SM failing.  Essentially, these creative partnerships with BBC allow for him to do creative work and try to push some of the more unusual songs in SM’s catalogue without getting any real pushback about it. 

Regarding Blockberry Creative, I have to wonder if they got some new leadership? I tried to google this but came up empty. They were definitely more assertive in 2020 given that they managed to pull off 2.5 comebacks (counting Star as one.) They’re still a little tentative, though. It’s not quite as bad as things were in 2019, but they were relieved to be having Lee Soo-man take the reins in 2020. They still haven’t decided what direction Loona should go in, let alone what to do with all the lore. 

As for Loona, I get the sense that 2020 was interesting for them. They were frustrated about some things, but they were still very, very ready to move on from the stagnation of 2020. They aren’t sure if they’re on board with their 2020 comebacks but they were mostly just excited to have something to do. Even if there was clear room for improvement, they still committed to their work as much as possible. They’re also working on being more proactive in their careers. 

[prouvaire]

lmao i’m so old i dont know how to answer replies anymore @ourbastardofsorrows

anyways after a day of memorizing stuff and a week of prolonged suffering through the wonderful world of possession (sadly not the fun kind we briefly studied in canon law) i’m both extremely tired and angry so here’s a condensed list of fashion opinions i might elaborate on later when my one (1) braincell returns from the war 

Fashion is an art form that conjugates all aspects of humanity. It’s art, history, sociology, psychology, chemistry, biology, maths, etc. It’s not an oppressive imperative, au contraire, in it’s purest and best form it’s both an expression and a reflection.

The big houses are overrated, boring, generic, incapable of innovation, and bound by societal expectations, LVMH, and their own former glory. Oh, and might I add, their bland, tasteless, and very white patrons. And, yes, I’m calling out Chanel, a brand whose admittedly few groundbreaking contributions are greatly overshadowed by long periods of stagnation and repetition. I’m also calling out Dior because if I see another belted tulle dress I’m gonna scream (oh and lmao at their completely OrgANic and UnARTifiCiaL way to make the saddle bag relevant again) 

Louis Vuitton is boring af. That’s literally it. 

The word haute couture gets thrown in a lot when there’s a pretty garment but it rarely is ACTUAL haute couture, which is honestly a disservice to haute couture bc if u see actual (and good) haute couture you quickly realize that it’s an art of the garment. It’s no longer a dress, or a shirt, or a skirt, or what have you, it’s something much more akin to a sculpture. It’s pushing the boundaries of our notions of textiles and construction. I mean look at Iris Van Herpen, Guo Pei, old Mcqueen, Cristobal Balenciaga, etc. 

on that note, CRISTOBAL FUCKING BALENCIAGA! Even Christian Dior bowed to Cristobal Balenciaga. 

Kinda circling back to point 2, but there are so many better couturiers than Coco Chanel that had even bigger impacts on fashion (imo the only thing gabrielle had going for her was marketing). E.g. Charles Frederick Worth, Mme. Grez, Elsa Schiaparelli. Madeline Vionnet, Paul Poiret, YSL, Boue soeurs, etc 

Dapper Dan is the unsung hero of contemporary fashion and it’s only in the last 5 years that he’s been getting his dues. Logomania started with Dapper Dan, streetwear as we know it is greatly based on Dapper Dan’s Aesthetic, every ig baddie and run of the mill influencer owes 98% of their aesthetic to Dapper Dan. Fendi should’ve made Dapper Dan their creative director, don’t change my mind. 

fashion owes a great fucking deal to POC around the globe and black american culture. Most trends can be traced directly to POC and black americans. I’m no expert, but Shelby Ivey Christie has some bomb threads about this on ig and twitter. 

The fashion industry as we know it was born in the 80s and it’s the fucking worst. Here’s my controversial opinion: it corrupted the art of fashion and the notion of luxury to the point of meaningless monstrosity. Thanks capitalism, racism, and nepotism. This point in particular gives way to a multifaceted analysis that’s worth further investigation. I mean it’s the reason why things pretty much always look kinda the same, why there are only like 4 creative directors, why there are only like 4 models (and we all know who they are), why Anna Wintour is still relevant, why Vogue and Conde Nast by extension is still relevant, why for some god forsaken reason there are like 50 shows a year (haute couture, ready to wear, resort, cruise, etc.) Though to be fair, the absurd amount of shows is also kinda Lagerfeld’s fault (thanks Karl we hate it) 

Mass production is a plague upon this land. I’m not saying fast fashion, I’m saying mass production. 

Paris and Milan fashion weeks are the superior fashion weeks. No, this is not only based on the fact that those are the only fashion weeks I’ve been to, and, no, this wasn’t just a weird flex. Or was it? 🤫

And as a last and possibly the only really controversial opinion on this list: Zuhair Murad and Elie Saab are overrated. Don’t get me wrong tho’ their embroidery is exquisite (I’ve had the delight to see an Elie Saab dress up close) but they pretty much repeat the same silhouettes every season. Also my monkey brain’s pet peeve is tumblr’s obsession with these two (and with Dolce and Gabbana but this one is not at all irrational considering that Stefano Gabbana is a racist asshole who harasses people online and Domenico Dolce is not that much better, also their collections are underwhelming and repetitive) 

[flying-elliska]

Hi Ellie!! I hope u dont mind this ask ❤Do u have any advice on how to do stuff on your checklist and not get overwhelmed? I can hardly do one thing out of my to do list and then i get severely depressed for not being able to do anything. i dont think i can function like a human being sometimes. anyway youre so cool ellie!!! i admire you loads!!! - help asked from one adhd struggling teen

HI anon ! I’m sorry for not answering sooner i had a beautiful answer ready and then Tumblr just ate it T_T anyway i don’t mind at all i think it’s awesome that you’re asking me ! this is honestly still something I’ve struggled a lot with. here are a few things that helped me (keep in mind i’m not a professional and this is only my personal, limited point of view) :

- ofc the first thing is to get as much help as you can, there are lots of people out there who can help. Generally talk to people around you about your problems ; often they want to help and just don’t know how : i know the tendency to feel ashamed and keep it in but that’s not good. Some people might be a bit ignorant so maybe keep a few ressources on hand you can send to people to educate them if that’s an issue ; and educate yourself so you feel more secure and legitimate in your opinions. 

- one thing that’s helped me lots is to go on #ADHDtwitter and #Neurodiversesquad because a lot of people on there are actual adults who are sharing both their struggles but also tips on how to actually manage the symptoms and have full and happy, if messy, lives. It’s very inspiring. It helped me a lot to feel understood, less alone and gave me a ton of ideas. Some accounts to start with : @ danidonovan - @ blkgrllostkeys @ ADHD_Alien (her comics are so cute) @ dustyexner plus lots of others

- regarding having trouble doing things, this is definitely a Big Damn Problem for adhd folks. the concept of the emotional Wall of Awful really helped me with this, you can find more about it in this Youtube video by the awesome How To ADHD channel (all her videos are so helpful !! have a look!) basically the idea is that we accumulate emotions linked to certain tasks based on unhappy past emotions that make it a lot harder for us to do things and that building it down takes a lot of time and effort but there are ways to work with/around that. learning to process, connect to and be more mindful of our emotions is a huge task, but it’s often a central one. 

- don’t try too hard to be neurotypical aka ‘normal’. find the solutions that work for YOU. If they’re a bit weird ? Whatever. The point is that it works. You will probably end up having weird routines that make no sense to others but it doesn’t matter as long as it helps you. Be creative and don’t be afraid to think outside the box. I’ll give you an example :  one of the reasons i hate going to bed early is because late at night is when i feel the most free of outside obligations and therefore i don’t want to give that up. So instead what i’ve been trying to do from time to time is a ‘clown hour’ where i basically give myself permission to do whatever the fuck i want (within reason lmao) but in an active way ; basically indulge my rebellious inner 8 yr old. Last time I ended up watching martial arts videos on youtube and practicing kickboxing kicks on the Mulan soundtrack and then put on funeral music and improvised my own eulogy by thinking about what i would like people to say about me after my death. Lmao that sounds completely wack when explained to other people but the point is - stuff like that really helped me reconnect to the idea that my time is mine to do with as i please, not just late at night. Anyway my point is : make it fun, make it a game, try things, experiment. Our brains crave novelty and if they don’t have it and feel burdened by shame, pressure and expectations of course they get depressed and stuck. Give your brain the fuel it needs to work. 

- just accept that sometimes you’re going to be a mess. it’s okay. you can be a bit of a mess and also live a fully, happy, joyous life. our society puts so much pressure on us to have this Perfect Instagram Life where everything is polished to unrealistic standards and gives us the idea that your morals are linked to productivity and if you are not constantly striving to be a Model Consumer Pretty Picture you are a Bad Person and a slob/lazy/unworthy/etc and all of that is...toxic garbage of the highest order that everyone should unlearn but especially us. related to that i would be careful with use of social media, tailor it to only give you content that makes you feel good/intellectually engaged/creative because it’s so easy for us to go into bad comparative spirals.

- tied to that be careful of your own perfectionist drives. it’s veeeeery common for adhd people to want to overcompensate their perceived shortcomings by wanting to be perfect. aka you haven’t done anything in weeks and all of a sudden you have this insane to do list where you expect yourself to turn your entire life around in a week. well, not going to happen. i’ve found it so important to limit myself. for instance what i do now is i forbid myself to put more than 5 items on any todo list. once i’ve cleared items i can add more, but not before. it’s a lot less scary that way. also prioritizing is very important so you don’t get bogged down in details.

- try to be mindful of your own energy. a big tendency of adhd people is to overpromise and underdeliver because we are enthusiastic and we want to please people but we are bad at estimating time/energy it will need. learn more about your own boundaries, what things are hard for you to do (for me, it’s socializing in groups) and what gives you energy (for me it’s writing, reading and walking in the woods) and try to balance that. learn to say no, it’s tough but necessary. So that you have enough left for the tasks you need to do. 

- create an environment that is benevolent and helpful for you in which to work/do things and that generates positive emotions. Get yourself a cute notebook. Put on happy music. Don’t forget to feed yourself. Don’t give into the urge of punishing yourself. You deserve happy good things - not overindulgence as escape - but our brains thrive on short term rewards. Bundle the unpleasant tasks with more stimulating stuff (for instance i always listen to podcasts while cleaning/grocery shopping etc). Create pleasant little routines for yourself (for instance one of the first things i try to do in the morning is do a little drawing of my emotions, it makes me happy, then i have tea and i plan my day.). Put on alarms constantly so you don’t lose track of time, but with a cool song. Find yourself cheerleaders who can encourage you in a positive way. Stuff like the pomodoro technique, timing yourself while doing a task, etc, can really help. Or telling yourself you will do a thing for ten minutes and stop when it’s unbearable, etc. Prioritize joy, pride, affection, desire to help, altruism, love, curiosity, interest and passion as motivators, instead of anxiety, guilt and shame. 

- find ways to build self esteem and confidence in your own skills. it’s often a lack of that that can block you from doing what you need to because you might be afraid of screwing it up. what I did for a while, for instance, is to keep a record of the stuff i did everyday and then extrapolated the skills i displayed from that. another thing you can do is make a list of simple skills you want to learn and find ways to do that, like youtube tutorials, etc. especially when it’s practical stuff and quick to learn, it can really feel so good, and make you more familiar with a sensation of success (and if you fail it can be a fun experiment gone wrong, and self discovery, you don’t have to be good at everything.)

- find ways to challenge yourself. depression happens for adhd people when we let ourself stagnate, isolate ourselves because of shame, and get into this idea that we are subhuman and we don’t deserve good things. that is false. you deserve a happy life. and our brains crave novelty. find your passion and indulge in it, find the things that make your brain come alive (as long as they’re healthy ofc). if you’re not sure what that is, just keep trying. you will find it. but resist the temptation to make your life smaller and smaller. you might mess up but that’s okay. it’s human and it will make for interesting stories later. instead of trying too hard to ‘fix’ yourself, focus on developping your positive sides. it will give you energy, self-respect and draw you forwards like a rocketship. we thrive on passion, not reprimand. 

- anyways : i know how tough it can be. depression is really something i struggle with, too. and doing things remains Hard. but my point is, you are not alone, and you are not broken. chances are you too, like most adhd people i know, are a fun, creative, compassionate person with a heart of gold and so much to give. our main enemy is most often the shame that comes with living in a world that is not adapted to us. but the truth is we are just playing the game of life on a much harder setting than a lot of people, and we don’t even have the manual. of course it’s going to create struggle ! so i think the best thing to do for yourself is cultivate a sense of compassion towards yourself, self acceptance, and humor. 

- as a teen you probably have a limited margin of autonomy to make your lifestyle fit your needs but - there is so much potential for it to get better ! as you grow in self knowledge and ability to make your own choices, you will find the right solutions and your life will get so much better. i have heard so many stories like this. since i got diagnosed, too, my life got a lot better. i won’t lie, it’s a lifelong process. but there is so much possible. give yourself time. you are so young, and you are definitely a human being. being human is struggling with being flawed and vulnerable and imperfect. i know the world can be shit sometimes, you probably got some negative messages - especially from your own brain bc depression definitely lies to you ! but don’t let yourself be guided by ignorance and fear. you deserve better. i bet you’re also super cool. the happier you are, the better off the world will be. so invest in yourself. educate yourself, develop your self knowledge, be kind to yourself, and keep making little steps. you’ll get there. <3

[miaryy440938-blog]

Can You Combine Little Business With Working Day Job?

The year 2008 is different those aspirations. Everyone watched their "so called better" retirement funds dwindle down to half of the items they were, Home Cash Sites Reviews just when they were getting ready to use them in a few years. What would we do now? Wouldso would we have that money back Home Cash Sites? Baby Boomers happen to hearing they will would work longer than originally thought but as unemployment has reached record record levels, they fear that jobs may quit available. Building a work from home business, like every other business venture you might pursue, requires time, effort, and decision. There are a number of factors to consider when taking such a popular leap, especially when one considers that 98% of new business organisations fail. This statistic really do not keep you trying attain your goals, though. In case you're truly excited about working of your own terms, and creating another significant element lifestyle that only working from their Home Cash Sites Review can provide, then jump in with each foot. You will find that the rewards far outweigh troubles. Believe in yourself, set some clear goals and boundaries and treat your at company with dress yourself in level of commitment and seriousness you would treat a "brick and mortar" employment. You WILL succeed, if never quit!

In describes we are going to talk a bit more to people who are struggling to make money online from your home. If you are anything like the vast majority of our readers, you basically looking for some simple, executable and applicable ways to finally make money online. Did you know, for example, that less than 1% most Internet marketers will ever earn $ 1000 online? It's true.and for most of you are generally in that camp, I'm here to tell you you simply CAN, and tend to succeed prone to apply yourself properly. This is because knowing the best way to start dinning business skilled what type of food hunt for to serve will have to lot of reflection of your own preferences. Seeing want your restaurant to represent yourself, so you will identify on it very purely. Ironically, if he bought into it, that's where he might begin to feel this sort of feeling of "imbalance." But by not buying into it, and knowing what he wants and where he likes to spend his time, helps him to steer his energy and feel 'balanced' simply no permission or apologies from others. Which guess the things? More energy and attention for his business along with the impact he wants moves through. In fact, I understand many successful business leaders who work 60+ hours a week, do their unique email and lead very very busy lives, who have "crap" for not being more balanced. Funny thing could be described as.they're totally happy and fine and living a life congruent with themselves.so who cares? If one has a half tens of thousands of dollars to invest, tips on how to you achieve it so it can be millions of dollars? While there is usually not an easy program to follow, foods high in protein take steps to move around in the right direction. In your food ! and take a minute to think of what you are aware of what in order to good using. Is entrepreneurship your forte? Do one has a good feel for Home Cash Sites Review what sells quickly actual estate? A person spend the effort considering your options, exhaustion find several opportunities that appeal to you. Free hosting won't anyone with access into the options you absolutely need, perhaps. Most internet marketer are in order to be build a lot more a few sites begin and will finish up with dozens internet sites over period of time. If you along with a company, such as Blogger (owned by Google), you get limited to your amount of blogs you could start 1 side account much more much absolutely post all of them. Not accepting gifts. By not taking a gift a burglar is giving you, you're bringing more strife in to the life. The flow of abundance stagnates as soon as require accept this. Remember giving and receiving are spiritual tenets.

[quecksilver]

FS Tarot: Yuzuru Hanyu

I got a few anon messages asking for readings and the name most mentioned was Yuzuru Hanyu. You asked for it so here it is! I wasn't sure if I wanted to do this again because it's a lot of work but while watching JGP and ACI practices I had some time so I banged this out in like two hours. Don't look at the typos and grammar mistakes. My first language is still not English so if there's awkward phrasing ignore it. I'll now go into my usual spiel...

I use the Deviant Moon Deck with the moon spread, in which i arrange the cards in a circle and read from the left side, counterclockwise. Each card represents a different aspect. You can look at the cards yourself HERE so ill just forego describing them like I did previous seasons (though feel free to ask me about interpreations and how I arrived at conclusions if you want).

Present Day: Upright Page of Pentacles

This card represents a young person with an open mind, particularly a student who is eager to learn and push the boundaries of what they are able to do. They've set their sight on self-improvement and are willing to work hard for it.

1t also often stands for someone who's very inventive and daring.

Pretty straightforward card in the context of Figure Skating. Even though Yuzuru is recycling his programs it can be said that his new content and tech is pretty daring and it's no secret that he's very set on self-improvement.

Past Influences: Upright Ten of Cups

This is a card usually meaning family, home life and the bond with the people closest to you. In its upright position the Ten of Cups stands for a peaceful, loving home that is full of unconditional support and love.

It's often read as a return to a loving home after a rough period or injury with a newfound appreciation of the previous experiences, good or bad.

Since this is a card usually read to be about family/close confidants I'm not sure how much of it can be read into an Figure Skating context but since it is the card that represents past influences it's probably not wrong to read it to mean his actual family/close loved ones. Their influence remains a positive one.

Subconscious Influences: Reversed Seven of Wands

The Seven of Wands stands for triumph over adverse circumstances or, as it is here since the card is reversed, loss. Self-Doubt plagues the person as previous defeats have made them lose faith in their own ability and it will take effort to shake off that impression. Self-Doubt can be a self-fulfilling prophecy after all.

This card appears in the subconscious influences spot which I'd interpret to mean either that the person is not ready to tackle these self-doubt or that they're actively working to get over them but have not done this (yet). Either way, self-doubt is not at the forefront of their mind.

Secret Desires and Wishes: Upright Star

And here we go with pretty much the complete opposite of the previous card. In the secret desires and wishes we have a card that represents hope and regained faith. Whether that is in ones own abilities or not is not clear but with the previous card being what it is, I'd say it fits all too well.

Another meaning this card often has is destiny. What the person sees as their destiny and moving towards it. Since it's “secret” maybe the person simply speaks to no one (or very few people) about their dreams and hopes, thinking them foolish or embarrassing or maybe even being afraid to jinx it. The subconscious self-doubt may also play a role here.

Hidden Forces: Reversed Page of Wands

The reversed page of wands can be interpreted to be someone... well... stupid. But I really prefer to interpret it as someone rash and unthinking who makes stupid decisions. That just seems more polite. Indecision and poor decisions together can make for quite the big hurdle to jump over.

I find the Hidden Forces card to always be the hardest to interpret since it is a hidden force to the person the cards are read for so how am I, from a distance reading, supposed to make a guess who this card pertains to? I'm gonna be daring and not go for a person though and instead guess it's about a governing body of a sport. Not naming any names.

It's just as likely (if not more) though that this card simply pertains to someone close to Yuzuru whose short-sighted choices affect him.

Events yet to come: Upright Seven of Swords

There he is again. The harlequin that tries to swallow a sword. This card is pretty easy to read and stands for a dangerous and ill-conceived situation that very likely ends in failure and/or injury. After all, if you flirt with danger without a safety net the risks are great. Better not underestimate them.

Well, this one is easy to interpret. Yuzuru is certainly putting himself at risk attempting the high tech content and pushing the envelope again despite his history with injury. The cards definitely point towards a high risk of injury once again. That isn't really a surprise. It remains to be seen if the card simply represents the risk (possible) or a coming injury (and if so, how big of an injury). If I was reading for a person I had sitting across from me I'd definitely advice them to more cautious.

Surrounding Environment: Reversed Eight of Cups

In the surrounding environment position we have a card that means mostly perseverance. It stands for people seeing things through despite the risks that may be associated. It doesn't say anything about how wise this decision may be however.

Another thing that could be said is that this card means someone who can't break out from their path due to fear or simply stubbornness. Either way it means someone isn't straying from their preset path no matter the costs. Since this card is about the surrounding environment I'd interpret it to either mean the coaching team or the other skaters. It doesn't necessarily have to be bad especially if the path has been well thought out. If it is the coaching team, I'd say it probably pertains to a season-long plan they may follow.

Influence of Others: Reversed Empress

Quite a hard card to interpret to me because it is usually associated with a female figure in the person's life. I'd like to simply forget about that aspect for a bit though it may actually point to a female figure in his life I don't know about. The Reversed Empress usually means things like infertility, fights with a female figure or lack of care from such a figure.

I'd like to interpret it more creatively and say it's related to creativity. Stagnation after keeping to a certain path without looking elsewhere and rather than a fight with a female figure an inner turmoil pertaining to that. This is a very creative interpretation and may thus be completely off the mark but I simply feel better about doing this rather than speculating about the personal life of someone I don't know.

Spiritual Forces: Upright Nine of Pentacles

The Nine of Pentacles often stands for material wealth or someone wealthy. As such it's quite hard to interpret in the spiritual forces position. The closest I can get is someone wealthy in spirituality. Whether that's religious spirituality or simply the belief in something of a higher power such as luck. It could also be the belief that hard work will be rewarded or something equally pragmatic. Aside from that, I've got nothing. It definitely points to a positive spiritual mindset though or if you want to be more esoteric the spiritual forces smiling down upon the person.

Final Outcome: Upright Eight of Pentacles

The Eight of Pentacles stands for a hard won goal, but a won goal nonetheless. The person takes pride in one's work, is ambitious and doesn't give up and thus comes out victorious in the end. What's interesting about the Eight of Pentacles in particular is this focus on the training, hard work and overcome hardships that precedes the victory rather than a victory that happens out of luck.

I feel it fits in very well with the rest of the reading that speaks of hardships but also a lot of determination and a influences that support and aid in reaching the set goal.

Interpretation:

Honestly what else is there to add?

Once again I'm quite astounded by how much sense Yuzurus readings make. Every single one I've done for him so far just flows very well and falls into place in a way that makes sense. This one is no exception. Sorry about drawing the Seven of Swords again... I swear... It's just his card at this point.

As always, please don't take these too seriously and don't call me a witch in the notes. I usually interpret the cards quite favorably because I feel like I should but there are some cards... You just can't do anything about it. (Hi, Seven of Swords...)

Feel free to share, discuss, lament, cry and be merry! And don't forget to have fun with this new season and support small fed skaters!

[classicalliberalleague]

How do you respond to the notion that “Without secure borders we have no country”?

I’d say that the idea has little to no basis.For instance the idea of borders is a fairly recent idea. Before the Treaty of Westphalia you’d have countries moving their armies through another country to attack a third country and few if any nations had a problem with this (it’s so common it worked it’s way into pop culture of the time as when King Claudius allows Fortinbras through his nation to attack another).The modern idea of national borders that this line marks a boundary which you and your people cannot cross because this is mine is more of a post-Napoleonoic concept. And really this is more because of changes in technology and government. Before you had pretty good warning if a country was gathering an army and time to get your own together before they invaded. A sneak attack in the way of a blitzkrieg was rather difficult before standing armies. So clear lines that could not be crossed was a good way to decide if you needed to do something in response. However from that side modern warfare, with stealth jet, drones, and ICBM’s make that hard and fast lines a little silly again because something that worked as a good defense against the technology of trains and quickly cast cannon is not a good way to deal with the problems of 21st century warfare. So aside from having a military that can repel an invasion and a strong missile defense shield the point of the military belief in stronger borders is becoming an antiquated idea with certain clear exceptions (for instance Israel has to hold the Golan Heights else it gives a perfect place to entrench military positions against them to a nation that has vowed their destruction). But I doubt you meant it in the sense of military defense. You meant it in the idea of immigration. Now let’s look at the history of this. The Constitution while it gives Congress power to determine how someone becomes a citizen (naturalization) it give absolutely no power whatsoever to limit immigration. None. Madison in the Federalist Papers explicitly says anyone who thinks the Constitution gives power to immigration is a blithering idiot not worthy of being taken seriously. Madison’s feeling are still correct. When Congress decided, incorrectly that it had such powers, you’ll notice that it was only to enforce racist idea (not just granting themselves powers that didn’t exist but also in absolute contradiction to the 14th Amendment). So all modern immigration law is based on nonexistent Constitutional powers and racism...hardly the basis for good law. But let’s get into what makes a nation?Is it the people? A certain group of people? A race, a heritage, a tribe? Nope. Ignoring that the concept is so stupid as when people talk about their ethnithicy it’s really saying where their ancestors where from 1700-1800. Not only is this a utterly bizarre way to look at yourself and your ancestors it ignores that immigration between nations while not common was not uncommon throughout most of the history of the world. There Hindus in Ancient Rome, Muslim in pre-Hasting England and a dozen other cases of people winding up in places where they were not born and while there is always fear of the other, there is seldom legal problems in their becoming part of the society (except for the obvious exception of anti-Semitism in most nations...because immigration laws are pretty much always based on hate and ignorance). Now there has also been a great deal of homogeneity to most nation throughout history. And do you know what else those homogenous nations have? Stagnation.Nations, in fact, are based on ideals. For most of history those ideals are around one family in charge or keeping the families and religious systems in place in power. And strangely enough stagnation beget stagnation. But America is based on an ideal of “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.” Everything stems from that. (You’ll notice again in the chargers against George, Jefferson makes a distinction between naturalization and immigration...and that creating blocks to immigration is seen as the actions of a tyrant. Which it is. It always is.)The nation safety is dependent on how two things (1) if it’s ideals are true and (2) how well it lives up to those ideas. Now I believe the ideals of Liberty, pursuit of Happiness, limited government, competition, capitalism, rule of law, and so many other things are true. The second is how well we live up to them. By closing our borders to those who want their chance at finding Happiness with the liberty we offer, we would fail at every level. Again ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. That means all should have access to liberty. Now I think we should work to ensure every country meets those ideals (because they’re either true or not, and if they’re true they’re true for everyone), but until then we need to allow everyone the opportunity.Now granted that does not mean the social safety nets we have should be open to non-citizens, or that criminals should be allowed in (the first is not a right, the protection of life and property is a government responsibility in the the other case). But given that the more open the immigration the better the economy does (this is an economic fact) and the fact that the more closed a society becomes the faster it moves to stagnation and death (see Japan’s aging and shrinking population and economic woes). So no, on from a military standpoint I don’t think it’s particularly relevant anymore...and from an immigration it HAS NEVER, WILL NEVER, and CAN NEVER be true.

[keiithmingo]

The Different Types of Herbal Tonics

What does the word “tonic” mean? This word is frequently used in herbal medicine and in the alternative health world. We hear about health tonics, rejuvenative tonics, nutritive tonics, bitter tonics, and chi tonics. “Tonic” is one of those terms in herbalism that can use some clarification to make sure that we’re all on the same page when we say “tonic.” This can often be a nebulous term. What’s the difference between a tonic from the perspective of physiomedicalism versus the way the word “tonic” is used in Ayurvedic medicine or Chinese medicine? 

Physiomedicalist “Tonic” 

In Western herbalism, “tonic” is a pretty loose, vague term that is used in a wide variety of contexts. Depending on those contexts, the word has very different meanings. So I’d like to define “tonic” and elucidate those different contexts so we can understand what this word actually means. 

Often, we’ll see the word “tonic” used alongside something like “bitter tonic,” “nutritive tonic,” “rejuvenating tonic,” or just a “tonic herb.” Often, those all mean very different things. When I think of the word “tonic,” I like to look at etymology. I like thinking about the roots of words and how those roots of words correlate to other words. Through understanding words that are related to one another, we can get a better sense of what they actually mean. The root of the word “tonic” is “tone.” In the context of herbalism, when we’re looking at tone, we’re looking at the tonal quality of a tissue, which is looking at how tight it is or how relaxed it is.

Devil’s Club (Oplopanax horridus)

This is one of the polarities that we see in herbal energetics. Often we just look at temperature and moisture, of hot and cold and wet and dry, and it’s common to overlook the tonal aspect. That is what makes up the six tissue states of the physiomedicalist. So you have heat excitation and cold depression in terms of temperature. You have damp stagnation and dry atrophy in terms of moisture. And then you have tension and relaxation in terms of tissue tone. Tension and relaxation are important to consider when we’re looking at a tissue. It’s not always pertinent, but when it is, it’s really pertinent. You have to address it because if the root cause of an imbalance is due to the tone of a tissue, it’s not going to be corrected just by attending to hot, cold, wet, and dry. This is a good understanding to have about the energetics of the tissues and, conversely, what remedies we want to apply. 

With that background on the word “tone,” we’ll look at the word “tonic.” “Tonic” is going to increase the tone of the tissue, meaning it’s going to tighten up the tissue. It’s going to provide firmness, stability, and tensile strength to the tissue. This is the opposite of a relaxant, which is going to relax constriction and tension or spasm. More often than not, relaxants are things like nervines and antispasmodics. Tonics in this context are going to be astringents. Paul Bergner combines those words together and says it’s a tonic astringent. It’s helpful to combine those two words so that people understand what we mean when we say the word “tonic” within that context. So that is the best way to understand the term “tonic” according to traditional Western herbalism.

“Tonic” as Bitter

In Western herbalism “tonic” is also used in the context of a bitter. Many bitter remedies work through the mucosal membranes, especially in the digestive system, but a lot of them are working on the mucosa in general—a mucosal membrane tonic action as a bitter, but also in the way that a bitter remedy is going to increase digestion and increase absorption. It’s going to bring more nutrients into the body and replenish the system in that way, simply by bringing more nourishment.

This is where we get into some different ways of looking at the word “tonic” and more of a building up and strengthening of the person, and we see this happening in two ways.  We see a bitter tonic through enhancing digestion and absorption, and on the other side, we see a nutritive tonic, which would be the remedies that stand at the boundary between an herb and a food. These are typically mineral-rich, nutrient-dense plants that we often take as strong infusions to fill in nutrient gaps and provide bulk nutrition, including remedies like Nettle leaf, Red raspberry, Oatstraw, and Alfalfa. These are all very mineral-rich plants that provide bulk nutrition to the body, but at the same time, most of those plants are also astringent. Nettles, astringent; alfalfa, astringent; red raspberry, absolutely astringent. Horsetail is another remedy in that category, also astringent. While they are providing mineral nutrition, they are also working as a tonic astringent to tighten up those tissues. 

Nettle (Urtica dioica)

This is defining the word “tonic” within the context of Western herbalism. When you see a Western herbalist use the word “tonic,” that’s usually the way it’s being referred to: bitter tonic, nutritive tonic, or tonic astringent. 

“Rasayana” in Ayurvedic Medicine

By contrast, the Ayurvedic term “rasayana” essentially means a rejuvenation herb. “Rasa” has a lot of meanings in Ayurveda, but one of the definitions of “rasa” is that it’s the juice, or the sap of the plant, or in terms of the dhatus or the seven tissues of the body, rasa is like our plasma. It’s one of the first substances that is created from the absorption and digestion of physical material. I think of the plasma as the extracellular fluid. Rasayana is a way of replenishing the essence. When people are very weak, very deficient, very fatigued, and they’re kind of wasting away and they don’t have any vitality, we would traditionally use rasayana-type herbs to replenish, rebuild, and restore that weak and deficient person. 

In Chinese medicine, the closest equivalent to that would be something like what we would refer to as chi tonic herbs. So rasayana, chi tonic, is a very different category from what in the West we refer to as a tonic herb, which again is often associated with a bitter tonic, a nutritive tonic, or a tonic astringent. In the East the term “tonic,” or what is translated as “tonic,” is very different. The term we have in Western herbalism that is most closely equivalent to rasayana or chi tonic herbs is “adaptogens.”

It’s interesting that in the West we didn’t have a category for herbs to rejuvenate and replenish a weak, deficient vital force. In North America and Europe where Western herbalism originated and has been developed over the years, do we just not have those kinds of herbs? We do have a few. We have American ginseng. In the Northwest, we have Devil’s club. There are a couple of other plants, but for the most part, there are not many plants that grow in the West that have this kind of property. 

That raises some interesting questions. Is that category not present because there are no herbs that do that? Do they all grow in the East? Is it more that rejuvenation wasn’t a very important area of focus in the system of medicine? One of my teachers at Bastyr said that in the East, they often were treating a lot of deficiency-type diseases, a lot of weakness, a lot of deficiency, a lot of emaciation, and needing to rebuild and rejuvenate people. Hence, there’s this whole school of herbal medicine focused on rejuvenation. 

Oatstraw (Avena sativa)

In contrast, in the West we tend to be a little more excessive—eating too much, rich foods, getting toxic, and needing to cleanse and purify the body. Alterative blood purifiers is an area of herbalism that was a very large area of focus. Western herbalism for a long time was just focused on using various purging methods, laxatives, and bloodletting methods to get rid of toxins or poisons. These were all purging-type therapies of heroic medicine, which brings up some interesting conversations in regards to why we didn’t develop that orientation longer ago. We now have these categorized as adaptogens.

Use and Misuse of Adaptogens

Adaptogens are very popular plants these days, and a lot of times they’re misused and can actually be damaging to people. I believe they’re not the cure-all panacea that everyone thinks they are.  I’m saying this not from the perspective of a supplement company, from the perspective of a medicine maker, or from the perspective of someone who is basically profiting by selling adaptogens, but I’m saying this from the perspective of a clinician who has seen damage done to people by misuse and abuse of adaptogen-type plants. 

“Adaptogen” is a very new term in Western herbalism. A lot of its is based on a very reductionist science on these plants, or more specifically, particular constituents in the plants that have been isolated and that work differently when isolated than when in the whole plant. In light of that science, we tend to overlook and neglect the thousands-of-years-old traditions that have used these plants, know these plants, and understand how to properly and effectively administer them.

I think this is just an important consideration that we don’t want to neglect the traditions that understand how to use those types of plants. 

Holy Basil (Ocimum tenuiflorum)

The Importance of Communicating Clearly

So that is my perspective on the word “tonic,” some of the different ways that we understand the word “tonic” in Western herbalism, and how to differentiate that from the way in which some of these categories of remedies in the East use that word—rejuvenative tonic or chi tonic—and how to make sure that we’re clear on what someone says. 

When someone says, “Oh, this is a great tonic,” I ask them what that means. What do they mean when they say “tonic”? Are we throwing that word around without knowing what it means, or are we using that word precisely and understanding what we mean when we say it? It’s important to clarify those things when we’re communicating among one another as herbalists so that we’re all on the same page and that we all have a good understanding of what we’re all talking about.

The Different Types of Herbal Tonics published first on https://nutriherbsstore.tumblr.com/

[moremaggiemayhem]

When I realized how few of my peers have advance directives and just how many people aren't honored how they want to be after death, going through the process of becoming a notary seemed important. For example, if you were unable to speak for yourself, what would you want people to know about your wishes? Are there people you wouldn't want to visit? Would you want to opt for quantity or quality of life? How do you define quality of life? Is artificial nutrition OK? What about respiration? Who should decide which care providers should be hired or fired? For those who are concerned that they may be held in short term or long term psychiatric care, what are their standards? CA disability groups have very specific forms about that and their rules. Getting things down in writing early allows for more of a say about how emergency inpatient psychiatric holds should be processed. For example, someone could specify they NEVER want ECT to be used, or could create a preference for restraints, isolation, medical intervention. If medical intervention is to be utilized, which meds and what method of delivery? Only 7% of people 18-29 will create an advance medical directive. This means the next of kin will make decisions. This can mean misgendering or opting for plans that don't honor someone's preferences. Of all adults 18-100+ only about a quarter will have this paperwork prepared. It's important to remember you can change your mind any time! If someone seemed like a good advocate in the past and you decide otherwise, update it! I have designated who is to be my decision maker. I even wrote that should it not interfere with my care I wish for red lipstick to be applied, largely so that my healthcare agent and partner has a concrete of tending to me. I have recorded my pain management preferences, desire to die at home if treatment options aren't available, and what I consider to be an acceptable quality of life. I have also determined what my organ donation and final disposition preferences are, which, after research aren't what I expected. I always thought donating my body to science would be my preference but I personally feel that an accountability process is not sufficiently in place and really want a green burial rather than cremation. Thinking about this is hard. I reviewed both the CA Disability medical directive form and the very popular 5 Wishes form and created my own template. I don't expect that I should ever be committed to psych care but this form was incredibly thorough and I'd rather be prepared for a situation in which the state decided I could not speak for myself due to psychiatric illness or dementia by getting things down in writing now when everything is alright. Planning for these situations is ultimately about consent and self-determination. For those of us facing illness or old age, there is time to prepare. I do not expect to die any time soon. I'm in great physical and mental health. But, I could be in an accident or face unexpected illness or injury. I want my wishes to be known and respected. I've even thought about certain forgivenesses I wish to grant and ask, along with strong boundaries for others who may come calling, so that my agent knows what to say to certain individuals. Social media is going to be a big part. Would you want your condition announced online or kept private? Do you want your accounts managed or closed? I remember visiting "my death space" when MySpace was a thing. Some accounts stagnated, others had notices, and some were closed outright. This isn't about being goth or morbid. Again, it's about consent and self determination. It's also about love. It's hard enough to grieve but it's harder to grieve without a roadmap. We all do better when we know we're acting in accordance with someone's wishes. If tragedy strikes tomorrow I want my loved ones to be comforted by knowing how to honor my body and my memory. I'm hoping I can inspire more of my peers to consider this and have a legally recognized document that protects them. Although only a few states require a notary, virtually all will accept a notarized advanced directive. This is one way I can get a conversation started and protect the legal interests of anyone who approaches me. We all deserve to be heard, even if we cannot speak.

[messagefrombornostate]

Message from Borno State (Nigeria). tales of war.

MESSAGE FROM BORNO STATE

(TALES OF WAR)

CHAPTER 1

Mama, worry not. Your blood flows through this veins of mine.

My grandson Aboy, you are only blind. You must open your eyes before you finally get accustomed to this darkness you have chosen to live in.

Oh no not this time mama, spare me those gory details. If I am as blind as you think, you of all person should know better than doubting a blind man because, it is unwise to doubt the dreams of a blind man.

Mama, how can you be so blind to see that your grandson has a dream to fulfill when he wakes?or are you mistaking a sleeping man to a blind one? How benevolent is your God when he gives you everything but this one.

Be quiet Aboy, being a con doesn't make you a Don but working hard. Look, no matter how hardworking you are never forget to work hard.

Mama, no matter what wants to happen and what doesn't, what I want must happen else I happen to it. If success cannot happen to me, I will happen to it. What else do you want mama?

Mama, I will be called to serve but until then I have the right....

Will you shut that mouth of yours Aboy, I look at you like a white man who has just recovered from decentary. Who told you have a right when the only one you had has become left?. In as much as I want all my grand and great grand children to be present in a great ceremony that is to come, I want you to go and complete your education. That is want people do in Nigeria when they have their degree. This will help you allot. Now get me a glass of water before I crush you with this weak hands if mine.

While you wait to return the glass hasten, "nothing is worth killing for, but many are things worth dying for". You may now retire to bed.

Thank you mama but the glass please,

Oh the glass, Aboy, somethings are not worth sacrificing for. Should I be more concerned with the comfort of a glass than that of my grandson? Go but pray before you sleep. Go you need your bed more than the glass needs it's shelf. May the peace if the Lord remain with you as you depart to bed.

God, as long as you rule over us, answer my prayers. Protect my family like you did to me during the civil war. These children are very stubborn. Oh my daughter, you are very strong. Your children have grown wings. I hope they don't fly away one day. God I thank you for extending my boundaries. Now I am boundless.

It feels good to be a mother, better to be a grandmother and best to be a great grandmother. If I decide to visit all my sons and daughters, I will not be visiting all the country in the world,, but the sun and moon.

My Lord and God to you I pray, protect this generation, my extensions and the nation at large. Please protect and strengthen me also. Do more than I ask. Amen.

Wake up, wake up everybody. It's morning again and the Lord has done it again.

...we are all sitting here to share the grace. Thus I pray, may the grace of the Lord, the fellowship and the love of God be with us. Amen.

Aboy put on the television. It is very important that I listen to the society news this morning.

Something tells me your mother shall be appointed the transition chairman of this local government.

Ahh mama, you have high hopes. Come to think, how can a woman attain such a delicate position in our today's political environment?. Not until it's the will of God. If so, let God's will be done.

Aboy, if the blood of the past is flowing in the veins of the present, the blood of your grand father the king is flowing through your mother's veins. Your grandfather wasn't just the first paramount ruler, but the greatest ruler this province will ever have is care is not taken. I don't want to talk about his achievements but his zeal in accomplishing whatever he embarks on. For him, success is compulsory. One more thing Aboy, have you called Apapa your brother ?

No mama but as soon as the sun fully rises I shall call to hear from him.

Aboy today I will be visiting the commissioner for women affairs. She request my presence at the ministry. There must be something very delicate she has to say.

Heat water for me, I must leave before 8oclock.

MESSAGE FROM BORNO STATE.

Chapter 2.

Mama, gender inequality have become an order of the day. Buried in oblivion are the prospects of the feminine gender. Nowadays women are considered as inferior. Years back 35% was allocated to women as regards their participation in politics. Few months after that, the women came up with a union called women in politics. The union was focused on bringing together women of timber and caliber, from all sphere of political endeavors, together, in order to harvest the opportunity given to them by the government.

Overtime, the union grow effete in political participation. Decentralized, became their political authority. For such reason, limited became their growth. Stunted and stagnated they remained.

Today the women are blamed for their misfortune. Nobody wants to hear them out. What is democracy if its subject cannot be given a listening ear a second time?

Mama, tell the commissioner of women affairs that I said " if she must achieve her aims and objectives, she must aim at the right target all the time". Tell her that obstacles are the gateway to every accomplishment. When she see one she should proudly stand firm and deal with it. One more thing, do not forget.

My grandson, Akwa Ibom State is truly a promise land. I am afraid, we shall remain in this promise land, until we all join hands to fulfill it. It's obvious that since the creation of this state, it has grown too slow to be able to compete with its counterparts. I could still remember when I used to tell God to keep me alive so I can see better days, but now, never, never because better days never exist.

I had seen yesterday, I'm here today and I might be there tomorrow, and even forever more. All I have ever seen and will always see is people probing people. Nothing is has changed from then till now. All is war and victory, people dominating people. Never will the long awaited better days come to pass. Never. Now I pray oh lord, when it is my time, take me at once. Nothing would be better than taking a sit beside you. To leave behind these devils in pious garments, will pay me more than their filthy diamonds.

Although no one can really change things, everyone can.

Aboy, it would make more impact if you book an appointment with the commissioner and tell her this yourself. While I go to the state secretariat, you go check your progress in the nysc state secretariat too ok?

Yes, As your majesty pleases.

Good bye mama ami.

If only mama could see more than she does right now. This is only three years after my graduation from the Tertiary institution. Look how impatient the world and its habitants have become. Everyone is complaining about my joblessness. Notwithstanding the fact that I have obtained a certificate as a computer craft worker from the federal ministry of labour and employment, I am still considered a nobody in the labour world. It took me three years to be able to achieve that aim. Hmm, our government have subjected us to whatever they think we should become. Lack of jobs and employment has put our dear country under a great peril. How sure am I that even when I finish Nysc program I will be employed? Won't they be looking for fifty years working experience from a 25 year old man?

It is time I let them all know that I have been mobilized for the next batch which is coming up April 2018. But What will I tell them about my state of deployment?. Everyone will disapprove my going to the north not to talk of Borno State. I will say nothing about my deployment but the mobilization. What if they find out?

Oh no a stitch in time saves nine. But if we always stitch in time, the tailor may starve to dead. While stitching in time, one must be careful as not to waken the sleeping dog from its slumber.

Aboy, I am your senior brother, tell me what is bothering you? Remember the adage, what affects the noes affects the eye. From the garden I have been watching you for quite some time. It is certain that something is troubling you but what I don't know is what troubles you.

Akpan Agwo, my situation is more complicated than the journey of child birth. But remember my dear brother that it is not everything the lion know that he discloses. That is why they've always remain the king of the jungle.

Aboy, your pride sweeps me off my feet. A problem when share is half solved. Because you cannot share it, I cannot help you.

Uh-huh, I'm out, I will be back at sunset.

One more thing Aboy, Aboy when you need solutions share your problems. As for the moment, heal your wounds yourself. Bye.

I must tell them everything before they find out themselve. My integrity comes first.

This is about me and my future. No one can change what cannot be changed except God himself.

If it be God's will, it be done. On this one, I beat my chest.

Godswill be done.

[thisdiabolicalvarnish]

Life update

I haven’t been on tumblr much because of work, school, and mostly using Discord as an outlet, but in case anyone is curious:

School is going okay. Some of my classes are conceptually challenging and exasperating; I don’t plan on going into records management and have no interest in learning how to arrange file cabinets; but I’m doing pretty well so far. I’ve been quite stressed from being so swamped with obligations and feeling like I’m falling behind, but so far I’ve been keeping up with things and maintaining my academic standards. I’ve also been very exasperated with my classmates recently. With the student association organization leadership has been unassertive and spendthrift; with class participation they’ve shown inexperience and juvenility. One girl in particular keeps bringing up diversity in class discussions like it’s a brand new and novel concept, without any idea of the purpose or actualization thereof. I feel like it’s a white guilt brought to bear on the entire class, without any frame of reference outside of two Mi’Kmaq women giving a presentation about recognizing indigenous cultural traditions.

I gave my work notice today! I like my coworkers and don’t actually mind doing shifts during the school year, but with the amount of studying I need to do it’s difficult for me to maintain my wellbeing while also keeping up the minimum part time ours they needed. I put off getting my prescription delivered to me for over a week, put off getting a new ID for 2+ months, put off getting a new phone for so long that I’m putting it off longer because there are no promo plans right now. I wasn’t getting enough exercise because I felt like I didn’t have enough time to go to the gym or spend the amount of time I’d like at the gym. I wasn’t studying as much as I’m comfortable with. Next week will be my last week.

After over ten years of ~transition~, I finally have ID a male gender marker. I updated my birth certificate and provincial ID, mostly because my ID was expired and I needed a new one to get a new phone and buy liquor (I still don’t have a new phone). It was actually pretty painless; I got the provincial form, that was created after recent-ish legislation mandated the allowance to change gender marker without documented bottom surgery, filled out during my last endo appointment, and handed it over with my birth certificate at Vital Statistics to little fanfare and more money than I’d like. I wish I’d been able to do that when I changed my name, but at the time you needed multiple letters certifying you’d had genital reconstruction to have the marker changed. It took over a month to arrive, which was slightly better than my lost in the mail birth certificate in 2010, and it took another couple of weeks for me to have a weekday free to stop by again to get a new piece of photo ID with the corrected gender marker. The clerk was kind of weird and I couldn’t tell if it was because she knew I was trans/changing my gender marker or if she was just enthusiastic and flirty.

I’ve made contact with GRS Montreal to start getting my shit together for bottom surgery. Since I’ve been so busy the progress I’ve made has basically stalled at having the forms I need to submit, but I don’t even really know how to fill them out. The next step it making an appointment with the sexual health clinic, from which I also need the last injection of a hepatitis vaccine, to get some of the forms filled out and get the information on how to fill out the rest of them. The Montreal clinic isn’t really great at providing information on how to go about things, but I’m not in a huge rush; I have until 2019 to have surgery, and ideally would like to have it next summer or fall. Once I’ve finished up at Starbucks I would be good to book an appointment with the clinic and figure things out. I’m anxious about my surgery date interfering with my employment prospects considering I’ll need over a month off of work for recovery and with the method I want will have to go back at least one more time for additional procedures, but I am motivated to do this and finally finish the last medical aspect of transition.

SPEAKING OF WHICH: I really want to plan a vacation once I’ve finished school! I don’t have anything really specific in mind, other than visiting the West coast and possibly China/southern Japan. I’d really like to hike the Yellow Mountains and Yakushima; mostly I want to explore British Columbia with the objective of deciding whether I want to move out there. It’s a long time coming; I’ve wanted to move to a more moderate climate for most of my life; and I’ve never even been west of Ontario before. I have a decent savings and will have quite a bit more once I settle finances with my ex. I’m thinking of either planning a trip for a couple of weeks prior to surgery or a few months after. Now that I think about it, visiting during the winter might be the best thing, both to get away from awful weather and figure out how I feel about the climate. I was also thinking of spending at least a few days in Oregon; it would be slightly more complex for me to move to the States, and kind of a culture shock, but if there are employment opportunities it’s definitely a place that I’m considering. I guess maybe also Washington? I’m just sick of foot-of-ice-street winters.

Chinese stuff has pretty much stagnated; once in a while I’ll read a couple of simple stories or refresh my memory on some concept, but again between school and work it’s hard to find time and motivation to put into it.

I think that’s kind of it. I’m really not motivated to engage with the internet, but if you want to keep in contact, I’m still around. I’m feeling kind of weird after some community stuff that happened wrt boundaries and gaslighting, but I’m mostly just bored with discourse and and the cyclical nature of nutrans identity politics and outrage. I’ve been listening to a lot of Harmontown and become even more enamored with Kumail Nanjiani.

[greenjim]

Attention

By Bob Lefsetz . Bob is a longtime music lawyer with links in all streams of music who has been a perceptive commentator on the music world. His analysis of the music business is brutally on-target. When he is not commenting on various artists and music, he offers insights on how things are changing and how to change with them, which can be applicable to business and the investment world

Originally published at the Lefsetz Letter, Feb. 28, 2017

Attention Is the number one commodity in today’s world. Unless you can get it, you cannot proceed.

1. You don’t get multiple bites at the apple.

Since attention is scarce and stretched, if someone checks you or your product out and is not closed, chances are they will never check it out again. Which is why you should not launch before you are ready and when it comes to a product many companies release first iterations as betas, signaling the customer should expect rough edges. If the concept is good, if the utility is reasonable, people will put up with bugs in betas.

2. You can’t spread the word, your users must.

Advertising is crippled. As is press. They can cause a limited amount of awareness but people today are turned off to ads, never mind DVR’ing TV shows and watching HBO and Netflix, they employ ad-blockers on their web browsers and if you’re paying for advertising you’d better have a monster launch with a ton invested otherwise it’s a no-go, and it still may be a no-go if you spam everybody. Because you can’t reach everybody and people are wary of advertising, they don’t believe it, they need to hear it from their friends.

We all need to hear it from our friends. Who we might know in person or might just know online. It’s about trusted filters. And those filters guard their credibility wisely. Credibility is everything in the attention economy. If you can’t be trusted, then you’re probably going to be ignored. You’re building your reputation every day online, and all the bread crumbs are there for everybody to see.

We don’t take a look until our friends/trusted filters tell us to. And oftentimes, we have to hear from multiple friends/trusted filters that something is worth checking out.

3. Overnight success is history.

MTV blasted acts to the moon and they fell to Earth just about as fast. If you can gain major attention in today’s world right away chances are you’re going to immediately fail thereafter. Because few things live up to the hype and the hype causes backlash and in today’s world it’s not about stagnation but evolution, what does version 2.0 look like, how good is the follow-up song. When the bar is set so high to begin with chances are you cannot jump over it the second time around and people will stop paying attention.

Better to grow slowly.

4. That which is big may not be anointed as so.

Forget the awards shows. Hell, look at the Oscars, those pictures they were honoring all had mediocre grosses at best. And the media is a tool of the companies purveying. Other than politics and wars, where newspapers have full time reporters, the rest of what comes over the transom as news is really glorified press releases. So you read about something and then it has no traction thereafter. Because it’s not that good and there is no base to sustain it and the press is not that powerful.

No one has come up with a metric to detail what gets attention in today’s economy. Except for maybe Netflix subscribers and Facebook usage, but as for art...

We’ve got grosses in film. Ratings in television, but the best shows aren’t rated. And we’ve got streams in music. All these quantifications are relevant (and ignore the weekly “Billboard” chart, it’s out of touch!) But how to quantify the success of “Hamilton,” which for over a year played in only one theatre and has had no Top Forty success, but is referenced by Seth Rogen at the Oscars, sung along to by Melinda Gates... “Hamilton” has yet to peak and unlike so much other art it crosses ethnic and political boundaries, it’s one of the few things that appeals to all. But there’s no chart, just a lot of press which doesn’t resonate.

But when someone tells you about their favorite “Hamilton” song... Then you feel the bond and know how big it is.

We all have our own internal chart now. We determine whether something is big or small. And we do this by gut feeling. Hell, the media missed the Trump phenomenon completely. But based on the blowback I was getting online I knew something was up. Don’t follow leaders, watch the parking meters. If you don’t think something is that big, despite the press hosannas, it’s probably not.

5. Don’t hammer the audience.

If you spam us every day looking for attention we ignore you. Launch and then follow up. New songs/more product is much more important that more publicity. Satiate the core, which wants more. It’s the core who will spread the word. But if you drop an album and promote it for two years you’re missing the point. You’re going after the looky-loos, the least committed people, your core is burned out on your new work and abandons you. You need to keep the attention of the core. And the more you say “Look at me!” the more you are ignored, or made fun of. Sure, there’s train-wreck attention, where someone blows themselves up and we all know about it, but it lasts for about a day.

6. Don’t have airs.

The most successful people in today’s economy are accessible. Look at Mark Cuban, responding to the hoi polloi’s tweets. He could run for President and win, he’s more credible than Trump and on TV every week too. So come down off your throne and get in the pit and mix it up a bit. People want to be able to touch you, even if it’s only online.

7. Respect your audience.

You’ve got no time and they don’t either. Even babies are scheduled, we’re all overwhelmed. It’s a privilege to get someone’s attention, you’re not entitled to it. Ask for it nicely and thank people for giving it and don’t ask for too much. Ask people to listen to one song, not an album, if they like the one they’ll ask for more. If you send ten, they probably won’t listen at all. You don’t want to overload people.

8. Pull economy.

You cannot push, that’s positively last century. Sure, you can grease the skids, pour some oil to get something started, but it’s only working if people are demanding more. And if they are not, you don’t have a marketing problem, you have a product problem. Marketing has never meant less. It’s seen as phony and manipulative. You lead with your product. And it’s either growing or failing. Either every day more and more people are watching your YouTube video or you need to make another one, that’s different.

9. You rarely feel like you’re winning.

With everybody clamoring for attention and traditional news outlets challenged you oftentimes don’t know whether you’re winning or losing. Which is why today it’s about stamina and follow-through. When someone hypes you on the work of a twelve year old, laugh and ignore it. The “artist” doesn’t have enough experience to understand the game, they just want fame. And those seeking fame first and foremost are losing out in the attention economy, because it’s not about the one time buy, but a continued relationship. And when there’s no there there, people move on. So you’ve got to polish your product and create new ones and stay in the game, constantly tweaking what you’ve got and trying new things, and if you’re getting more attention you know you’re on the right track, if not, back to the drawing board.

10. Evolution

This is where we are today. Tomorrow will be different. Virality is a thing of the past. As in faking it to get everybody to pay attention, it rarely works anymore, we’ve seen the trick and if you’re trying to goose the process for instant success you’re on the wrong track. Today it’s about an overwhelming number of messages, tomorrow it’s about the winnowing down of those messages. What will this look like? Will there be new gatekeepers? Will so many outlets fail that the ones remaining have more power? If you’re not reevaluating and pivoting on a regular basis you’re being left behind. Now, more than ever, what worked yesterday won’t work tomorrow. So you have to keep experimenting. But success remains tied to attention. Your goal is to get people interested, dedicating their time, giving you their money. And the more sunlight there is online, the less fakery there is too. So, instead of promoting, you should be practicing. The truth is we’re all looking for great stuff 24/7 and if we find it we tell everybody we know. Let it be you we are telling everybody about.

[beating-bpd]

Hi ash. So I've struggled with depression symptoms all my life and have looked into Bpd after finding out I share a high amount of symptoms. I've spent today looking at ways to improve etc and would like some guidance please. I've come off my antidepressants so am very up and down but this isn't too unusual just worse now I'm not taking my antidepressants. I've chosen not to go back on them as I'm ready to fight this instead of keep masking it. Your doing an amazing thing here xx

Hi, and thanks for the kind words!

First, I want you to know that taking meds aren’t masking it, giving up, or a sign of weakness. I might actually be adding to my meds to get a mood stabilizer to help while I’m going through trauma therapy as my bouts of depression and my mood swings have gotten worse. Another friend of mine with PTSD decided to go off her meds and had a rough time with withdrawals, but found ways to work through them because she personally didn’t want to be on pills every day. But, she also smokes a lot of pot to manage her symptoms. What works for one person might not work so great for someone else. I just mention this so that if you find yourself getting worse rather than better, there’s absolutely no shame in using meds to balance you out. 

There are a lot of options for bettering your mental health, whether you have BPD or not. 

For therapies, you have DBT, CBT, MBT, talk therapy, and EMDR, just to name a few options. I’m currently being seen for PTSD and other issues related to trauma, and I’m doing a combination of talk therapy, EMDR, and group therapy - I also take pharmaceutical medication and use alternative treatments. Every person is unique in what their needs are to get them on a high-functioning level. My personal belief due to my experience has been that there’s a lot of trial and error involved in all of these aspects, and it’s a continuous process. 

Previously I was seen for BPD and once I worked through the issues that related to managing those symptoms and no longer met the criteria, I stagnated in progress. Now I’m working on underlying trauma and PTSD, which is much harder. Grounding techniques and self care I used previously weren’t enough. I’ve had to grow my toolbox for grounding and managing anxiety, as well as being open to new therapies that might help. Whereas I only did talk therapy before, now I do much more than that. I still use aspects from all the therapies I mentioned above that help me in different ways. 

Beyond therapy, I’ve found other ways to keep myself moving forward. I love hiking. I’ve tried yoga and I am not doing well with it, so I’m sticking with the hiking thing whenever I’m able to get out because being out alone at 5am in a National Park looking at the stars is my happy place. I like to create. Painting, drawing, writing - it helps me. I bake for people. I bring in cupcakes and cookies and bread to the Vet Center where I get my therapy. Finding the joys in your life and allowing yourself to partake in that and make it a natural part of your schedule helps so much. 

Something my therapist has really been working with me on is giving myself permission. One of my issues (and I have no idea if this is something you struggle with) is failing. I set very high expectations for myself, which has caused continuous negative effects. So if I go to the gym and I feel like I’ve done all I can in 15 minutes, I need to allow myself to be glad I did that much. I can leave. If I go somewhere I know I’m going to be uncomfortable, like the grocery store, with the intent to get a ton of stuff but there’s a lot of people, I have to give myself permission to just get what I need and leave. Managing what you can accomplish and continuing success rather than striking yourself down as a failure because you didn’t meet an arbitrary goal is important. 

To break all that mess down into tl;dr terms:

Create a self-care plan and build a toolbox of grounding techniques.  

Find the aspects of therapy that work for you, whether or not this includes medication.

Give yourself permission, listen to your mind and body, and be honest about what you’re able to accomplish without judgement. Be kind to yourself.

Continue to push your boundaries of what you think you can do and push yourself to move forward, but please remember #3. 

Find what makes you happy and include those things in your everyday life.

I hope some of this helps, and I wish you the absolute best. 

[b10history-blog]

This was the first email sent by the accountability panel on 25.04.2012. The names of the survivor and the accountability panel have been redacted out of respect.

Hello all, *Please do not put the contents of this email, or debate its contents, on the Facebook group – recent information from there has found its way onto right-wing internetblogs and cannot be trusted. Please forward however to all trustworthy comrades* A lot of issues have come up in activist groups in London recently, not least our own, to do with sexual violence. Several of us have talked informally and feel the way the HR situation has been dealt with by our group has so far exposed a lot of weaknesses in the way we handle these incidents, and anticipate their occurring in future. It has not been addressed openly, rumours have been allowed to spread without anyone contacting Edinburgh to find out exactly what happened, we have arranged no process of accountability or education, and it has generally been allowed to fade into an uneasy background where it is more convenient to ignore than resolve. This email is to clarify what the situation is, and make some initial proposals about how we properly deal with sexual violence in our community. 1. Our Statement 2. REDACTED’s account of what happened 3. Course of action agreed with REDACTED 4. What HR has said 5. Problems with how this has been dealt with 6. What Now 7. Note on process 1. Our statement We condemn HR’s actions and behaviour and believe that without serious work and significant change he should not be welcome to participate as a member of our network or in any of our events. Sexual violence and other forms of abuse are not acceptable and we must not facilitate the continuation of abuse by allowing aggressors to participate in our communities. At the same time our view is that to simply ostracise someone without offering any positive goals fails to deal with the problem; simply pushing it onto other people in another community. It is critical that what we do is based on the needs and desires of those who have been, or are likely to be, affected by HR’s actions and the response to them. What happened did not emerge from a vacuum. Several women have described times he has crossed their boundaries, or made them feel intimidated. These points are based on conversations had with REDACTED and various other women who know HR.

This isn’t just important for the specific situation at hand - we need to be a community of mutual solidarity and support, where survivors know they will be believed and supported, and any oppressive behaviour is called out and recognised for what is, not laughed off or tolerated because of someone’s status or charisma. 2. REDACTED’s account of what happened. REDACTED 3. Course of action agreed with REDACTED ·          As many people within our activist and friendship groups should know what happened ·          HR is excluded from social + political spaces within our group until such a time that everyone is confident HR has rehabilitated himself. This includes addressing how he treats others and understanding the impact his actions have and have had on others. Part of this would be him attending therapy for a lengthy period of time. No one should feel under pressure to allow HR to be near them at any point if they feel uncomfortable with that. 4. What HR has said. ·          Accepts his behaviour was stupid and inconsiderate, although he maintains it was without malice. ·          Doesn’t reject the idea that this incident didn’t emerge from a vacuum, and is open to being challenged (with REDACTED [member of accountability panel] or otherwise as a mediator if the person prefers) about past behaviour that has made women (or others) feel threatened by him. ·          That his reaction (not apologising, not accepting that he’d done something wrong or understanding REDACTED perspective, downplaying what took place) to this particular incident was extremely poor. ·          Wants to engage in any process by which he can move on and be considered part of the community again, and accepts this will involve commitment to a proper process. 5. Problems with how this has been dealt with ·          Very few people even knew this had happened until very late on. When we’re dealing with people who are potential threats to others, this is completely negligent. ·          Nobody contacted anyone in Edinburgh to clarify what happened and what REDACTED wanted, or what Edinburgh activists have decided. This meant we’ve potentially been undermining both her and our Northern comrades. ·          Damaging rumours misrepresenting what took place have proliferated unchallenged. This will make it easier for people to dismiss the problems and prevents us from actually addressing it properly. ·          It has been allowed to stagnate, with no group accountability, and no attempt to establish a process which will protect people in our group and others in future. ·          Other radical communities in London have faced similar issues in recent months and without any framework in place, threatening people can be challenged in one group only to move to another and begin all over again with impunity. ·          There’s not been any discussion about the wider context in which this has taken place. 6. What now. ·          Our initial proposal is we hold a meeting amongst our group, after the Easter holidays, to talk about what has happened and what should be done about it. Other radical communities have come up with processes for dealing with sexual violence – some of which are attached at the bottom of the email. The meeting will take place at ·          That this form the backdrop to a series of workshops centred around marginalisation, accountability, safe spaces, sexism (and the many other identity-based oppressions) and sexual violence in radical communities. This will be a forum for the time and discussion required to improve our collective education of these issues and construct frameworks to deal with them better in future. 7. Note on process ·          REDACTED has been in touch with REDACTED to find out what happened and her wishes. REDACTED has spoken to HR to hear his account. ·          REDACTED has seen this statement and agreed to its content. We have also met in person to clarify key issues going forward. REDACTED’s statement about what happened is her own. ·          ‘What HR wants’ has been double-checked with HR to avoid misrepresentation.

·          REDACTED no longer wants to deal with this personally, but we have been given contact details for someone on her behalf in Edinburgh to keep her in the loop. ·          Attached are resources from radical communities who have dealt with similar issues in the past, as well as literature about consent.

·          Please do not reply to this email; if you have any suggestions or questions about process, email one of us individually.

In solidarity, REDACTED, REDACTED, REDACTED, REDACTED, REDACTED [members of accountability panel].

The emails that immediately followed the initial statement:

REDACTED: Please don’t include me in a group email of this nature and then tell me not reply to it.

REDACTED: Likewise.

REDACTED: I need to know who to speak to, also, about HR and New York- he’s been here for the past couple of weeks and is I think planning to come back long term for the summer. Rumours and problems have followed him over here, and I don’t know what my responsibilities are in this situation, to inform or otherwise, if I have any. I will forward this email on to trusted comrades on this side.

I’ll also email REDACTED and REDACTED and REDACTED and REDACTED [members of accountability panel] with more of this; I’m afraid I do not trust REDACTED [another member of accountability panel] not to forward anything I say to the press. I know that the history of my relationship to HR is one of the many things that has been fed to the right wing hatesphere by persons unknown in the movement and I’m still very upset about that.

REDACTED [member of accountability panel]: Hey everyone, 1) I know it’s frustrating, I’m sorry - we thought hard about asking people not to respond, and decided to do so because we really want the discussion face to face to happen, and to happen well. That should be the forum for responding to this, especially because we all know how messy online discussions get, and that it’s basically always the loudest voices that get heard - and in this issue it’s particularly important that this doesn’t happen. If anyone, like REDACTED, can’t make it on Saturday, please contact one of us individually (people who wrote this email) or someone else you know is going to be coming, to make the points you want to make on your behalf. You could write something to be read out. Also filling up peoples’ inboxes is a surefire way to switch people off. 2) Huge, huge apologies - this message should have had a warning at the beginning that the contents are graphic and could be triggering. If you are forwarding this on to someone, please include such a warning at the top. Sorry for forgetting such an important thing. Thanks! x

REDACTED: Surely only the loudest voices are being heard now? But its just there is a structure that legitimates that? best, REDACTED

REDACTED [member of accountability panel]: I’ve responded to this off list for the aforementioned reasons, if anyone really wants to see my response, please email me individually and I’ll fwd it to you! sorry for spamming people x

REDACTED: Hey all, I have some serious concerns about this email and its process. Having spoken to some people already I feel I’m not alone in this. Given these concerns, I feel that the original email really should not be forwarded on to other people before the discussion on Saturday. Perhaps people who have forwarded the email could forward this as well.

The email response sent from B10 on 28.04.2012

All, So having thought and discussed with lots of people over the past day or two this group email list seems to be, in spite of the request not to respond to it, the most appropriate place to say something before Saturday’s meeting. We think its important to speak up now as things seems to be spiraling quite rapidly, which was probably inevitable. We want to say that we absolutely and emphatically reject the legitimacy of this process. Given that the consequences of this process are so serious and that the effects of its power are already becoming real, in the form of total exclusion, we feel compelled to disrupt the attempts to formalise, amplify and make viral that power and its judgement. The accountability panel were unappointed or self appointed. Furthermore, their process was secretive and not open to the ‘community’. The accountability panel act as both Judge and Jury. The email reads as a court transcription and judgement. It builds a case. Claiming to be a suggestion, the email arrived in our inboxes fully formed. Their process points that were offered to us are mere action points. The lack of openness and impossibility of dissent within the process of the accountability panel has its correlate in the email. The email that was sent to us on Wednesday was a performative document that enacts what it claims to develop. The email is designed and encouraged to go viral with no ‘right of reply’ or process to actually develop it before that inevitably happens. The email sets up a realm of victim-led justice, but no questioning of what values inform the punishment is allowed. These need to be explored openly. The email implies that there is an inside and outside. Anything but silence puts you outside of the process. The implications of this have already been acted out, through some of those who have questioned the process being shamed as rape apologists. The email was written in a language of “our community”, of “we”, which deliberately masked the equivocation between their small panel and everyone that reads the statement. It therefore acts as a form of coercion, nullifying consent. This was confirmed in the command: ‘Do not write back to this list’. As such we have concerns that the accountability group is vanguardist, authoritarian, and appropriates its legitimacy from the recipients of the email by perpetrating violence against the community. They gain power by making decisions, while not taking responsibility for the ramifications their actions as a panel. The point of the accountability panel was supposedly to get above rumours, yet in its deceit and inherent structure the email has actually exacerbated the generation of rumours. Furthermore, we are also concerned that the people involved in the panel have not been in any way reflective about their own relationships with REDACTED and HR, or at least have not addressed these relationships in their email. Meanwhile, the email presumed, and gave as one of its justifications, that this incident has not been dealt with, yet there have already been a range of personal and collective responses. By stating that the issue had not been dealt with at all, the email pretends as if any informal processes which were occurring did not occur, including the informal process which led to the construction of the panel itself. Through the statement, everything is flattened out and made abstract. HR is made into a concept, a type. By using types and set narratives the statement prevents inquiry of the singularity of the case, which is totally necessary if we are going to address these problems in any serious way. We have spoken to HR, and are aware that the panel did not offer him an opportunity to directly make a statement in the email, but instead summarised words from a private phone conversation and email exchange, a summary which fits into a narrative the panel has offered. We have also been told, by one member of the panel, that there were conversations about BDSM and knife-play between REDACTED and HR prior to the incident, a detail which has been omitted despite this one member of the panel (at least) having been made aware of this by REDACTED. We do not want to present evidence to produce a different judgement on ‘the case’. Our priority is to question the power of the panel, and make it clear that omissions have occurred. We say this because we fear that HR is being excluded from this ‘community’ without anyone trying to stand in the way of a sham court which has side-stepped the truth not to produce justice, but in order to produce judges. It is critical that we acknowledge the regressive nature of the operations which have been set up by this email, and disrupt them immediately. This does not mean failing to address what HR did. Rather, it means that we have to do away with summary justice, and with the ability of a small group to enact punishment. Indeed, we ought to acknowledge that this process of exclusion and the processes of homogenising the group are actually repressive with regard to the reflection on and challenging of the myriad modes of violence, power-play and threats which are structural to our society, and from which our groups are not exempt. We are aware that many people have felt silenced by this process. We hope that our response will enable others to speak about what happened and what is to happen. Given what’s already happened to those who have criticised this process, and the potential for such things to go viral, we’re reluctant to sign our names here. Some of us will be at the meeting on Saturday. 10 people in Bloomsbury.